Stock Response Template
Sarah rolled her eyes as she read the email. The fifth one that day, pitching yet another “amazing opportunity,” while covertly trying to take advantage of the influence they assumed she had. Where they got that idea from, she had no clue. Sure, she was a successful academic with a couple of New York Times bestsellers to her name. But influence? Clearly these people had never worked for a university. Or if they had, they were living in some fantasy land.
She clicked open her “stock response template.”
There was a time when she simply deleted these emails. The messages pitching “incredible collaboration opportunities” (as if she didn’t already have enough to do), or the speaking engagements that would “make her career” (as if it needed making!). And request after request to discuss opportunities, explore possibilities, brainstorm ideas, develop partnerships… Many of them earnest, but all of them, once you dug under the often-sycophantic enthusiasm, about what someone could get out of her, rather than what they could give back.
She always felt a tinge of guilt, though, as she consigned them to the trash folder. And so, after a particularly tough week of what she increasingly thought of as “guilt invites,” she’d come up with the “stock response template.”
It was quite simple, really. Having realized that most of the writers were out to extract something from her, she decided to see what they were willing to give back in exchange. Not money necessarily — the invitations from people who truly knew what she was worth were usually up-front about this. But things that really mattered to her: joy, happiness, wellbeing, time with her family, time to focus on her own life and work.
So, now, when asked to give under the guise of someone giving to her (because, when everything else was stripped away, that’s what these requests were about), she sent a polite reply back that simply said:
“Please describe, in fewer than 50 words, how this opportunity will substantially enhance the happiness, wellbeing, and time I spend with my family and on my own life and work, all of which I already enjoy. Thank you.”
She’d yet to get a response. But there was always a first time.
Author’s Note
I’m sure most people have experienced this in some form, either personally or professionally — someone offering an opportunity that’s supposedly of benefit to you, but really it’s just about them, along with a dash of subtle “guilting” to make you feel you owe them something. Like many academics, I get this a lot, and am never quite sure how to respond, as there’s always the worry that you’ll end up being a jerk to the one person who sent a genuine request. And so I usually end up trying to be polite and accommodating. But the beauty of fiction is that I can always fantasize about what I’d really like to do :)
I should add that I get plenty of requests that are genuine, and that I try to respond to. Maybe that’s why the “stock response template” will always be a fantasy.